revisit and revise

I have another blog where I post about life, family, and poetry. I discovered, though, that because my family reads it I was self-censoring, and the quality of the more personal poetry was suffering. Which is why I started this blog.

About a month ago I reached a pivotal “aha” moment about my writing. Not only was I having issues with filtering my writing, but also I knew I needed to be willing to engage in more serious revisions of my poetry in order for it to improve, so I joined an online critique group. I’ve only been involved in one critique cycle (which is drawing to a close at the end of this month) but I’m extremely pleased with the results for the one poem I’ve workshopped. I got great feedback and have reworked the poem in ways beyond what I expected. Here are the results so far.

Lodestar original, written 5/13/08
 
I shouldn’t have lived looking over my shoulder
wasted all my wishes on wanting to return to
dark warmth secure in its perfect nurture
craved comfort of steady pulse lulling me
a small island calm in a soothing sea but

like Lot’s wife I longed too much for what I lost
kept turning back to memories instead
of facing cold unforgiving truth
a shrill storming world its waves
surging on my soft sandy shores after

shedding tears enough for my own pillar
of salt I finally looked inward to find
my true beacon was able to see you did
what you knew to do and while I couldn’t
set my compass by you I could love you.

 

Lodestar rewrite, 6/15/08

I shouldn’t have lived
looking over my shoulder
with a lingering
hope for what never would be
wasted wishes on
yearning for warmth of your womb
a pulse lulling small
island moored in its own sea

in longing too much
for lost refuge behind me
as Lot’s wife I was
damning myself all the more
I couldn’t forgive
while my hard heart waxed colder
soaked by each bitter
wave on my soft sandy shore

a pillar of salt
mourning’s monument shedding
drained of anger I
mended my tenuous parts
healing turned inward
learned to be my own beacon
to light love’s new lines
scripted on flesh of my heart

I finally grasped
that adrift in your own storm
you failed me but you
loved me as well as you knew
tender clarity
showed though I could not set course
or compass by your
choices still I could love you